Monthly Archives

November 2011

Woe is me: Requests from my sickbed

November 29, 2011

I don’t get sick very often — so when I do, I am the center of the sick universe.

I wrap myself in afghans and drape myself over the furniture as though I am one tiny, trembling breath away from fainting. I remind those around me of my tragic illness. I hold the back of my hand to my forehead, and I say “woe” a lot.

Put me in a Yorkshire manor, and you’ve got yourself a Brontë character.

 

To those poor souls who have the bad fortune of being around me when I’m sick, I apologize. I know I ask for a lot of things, often speculating that it’s my “last request,” and sometimes I can be quite irrational about obtaining these bizarre items.

In no particular order, here are the things I’ve requested during my most recent cold/flu/virus:

Old INXS songs.

A grapefruit.

The Best of P.M. Dawn CD.

To be magically beamed inside this lovely Audrey Tautou Chanel No.5 commercial.

Blueberry gum.

Spaghetti-Os.

A cold washcloth.

A hot bath.

The “Biggie and Tupac” documentary.

My flannel pajama pants with the monkeys on them.

Vicks.

For the air outside to not smell so much like Denny’s.

Orange juice.

Leeches to get the bad blood out.

Many episodes of “Monk.”

Light blue nail polish.

The Relaxman Relaxation Capsule. (Only $39,995!)

Peppermint tea.

Something that “tastes purple.”

A new set of lungs.

My ashes to be scattered in the Ganges.

 

The good news is that my friends and loved ones don’t have to put up with this very often. In fact, I’m already feeling better.

Fake limbs and forced sobriety: My first night in Rwanda

November 28, 2011

NOTE: Rwanda ended up being one of the highlights on my round-the-world trip. The first few days, however, were a little bumpy. This is the story of my first night in Kigali.

 

They call Rwanda “the land of 1,000 hills,” but I couldn’t see any of them from my room inside a prosthetic limb factory.

I was paying $35 a night for an excessively tall jail cell, fashioned from windowless walls that loomed cold and hard at least 25 feet high. The mosquito net above the bed looked like it had been vomited out by the ceiling. It sagged with knots on one side and was peppered with golfball-sized holes on the other.

A smaller stone wall partitioned off the bathroom, consisting of a shower head, a clogged drain, a wobbly sink and a toilet that didn’t flush. For an extra $10 a night, I could have received an “upgrade,” which meant that the owner would turn on the hot water, but my budget was too small to indulge in such luxuries.

 

I wasn’t even sure what I was doing in Rwanda, although it was easy enough to form a number of rationalizations. I had already spent a month in Uganda, and it was time to add another African country to the list. I was looking for a place to volunteer for a few weeks, and Rwanda sounded as good as anywhere else. And Rwanda is small and manageable, about the same size as Maryland.

Plus I really liked the movie, “Hotel Rwanda.” I imagined a land populated by 10 million Don Cheadles.

 

It helped that it was an incredibly simple border jump from Kampala, Uganda, to Kigali, Rwanda. The bus journey took just 8 hours — that’s lightning speed in African bus time — and cost only 25,000 Ugandan shillings — about $10. So what did I have to lose?

I arrived in Rwanda with no map, no plan and no idea where to stay. When the bus stopped at Kigali’s clogged and smelly Nyabugogo market, where every step involved a piece of garbage or rotting entrails, I simply hopped into a cab and asked the driver to take me someplace safe. And that is how I was steered to a prosthetic leg factory on the outskirts of town.

 

After I checked in, it was too late to travel 15 miles into the city but still too early to go to bed, so I explored the property instead. In the windows of my building, firestorms of sparks illuminated men in welding masks, constructing limbs for thousands of people who had been maimed during the 1994 genocide. On my way to the hostel bar, I stumbled over a stray fake leg.

The bar was reggae-themed, with portraits of Bob Marley sagging from mossy beams of wood. Steel-drum music blared from tinny speakers on top of the beer refrigerator. I perched on a leaning bar stool and ordered a Primus, the Budweiser of Rwandan beer.

“Primus for boys,” the bartender said, her face as flat and hard as a river stone.

“Um, that’s OK. I’ll take a Primus anyway,” I said.

“No.”

“Er, OK. Fine. I guess I’d like an Amstel?”

“No.”

“Are there any drinks I can have?”

“No. You already too drunk, lady,” the bartender said, matter-of-factly. “You don’t even know what you want to drink.”

With that, she dismissed me. This was my introduction to the incredibly frustrating task of communicating my desires in Rwanda, but it wouldn’t be the last. Only an hour later I would have the following exchange with the manager of the hostel/limb factory:

“Do you have a kitchen?”

“Oh, yes,” he said, smiling, but offering no follow-up.

“Is it a kitchen that guests can use?”

“Oh, yes,” he said, again with a wide grin.

“May I use the kitchen?”

“Oh, no.” With that, he walked away. No explanation.

Sober and hungry, I took deep yoga breaths to avoid punching anyone in the face. I grumbled to myself and kicked rocks all the way back to my room. There was a 4-month-old, smashed Bolivian granola bar in the bottom of my pack, so I ate that and threw curses at the blank wall of my cell. I paced the concrete floor like I was trapped inside a mental institution. I felt weak with an absence of power.

Just as my pity party was hitting its climax, the one lightbulb in the room gave up and went dark, as if it committed suicide.

I cried. I cried as the room remained frustratingly dark. I cried as mosquitos flew through my protective net and into my ears. I cried as the toilet spontaneously belched foul water onto the floor. Then I thought about how I had no real reason to cry in a land of genocide and unspeakable horror, and that made me cry harder. I cried for people I’d never known and the people I never would and all the ache in between.

That night I dreamt of malaria and detached body parts.

 

My flips went flop

November 13, 2011

R.I.P. old, navy, Old Navy flip-flops.

I try to avoid getting too attached to objects, but losing this pair of shoes actually snags my heart a little. This $2 pair of flip-flops is what propelled me around the world.

 

You guys, if these shoes could talk … well, first they would say some pretty filthy stuff. But then then would tell you all about their extraordinary adventures.

These shoes have been up the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu, on safari in South Africa, through rice fields in Uganda, around temples in Cambodia, inside pyramids in Giza. They took me down the beaches of Goa and to the top of Mt. Sinai. I inappropriately wore them to a nightclub in Argentina. One flop got washed away down a gutter in Chiang Mai during Songkran; I chased it down in the murky moat water.

They have stepped over fish heads, garbage and cow dung. They have been across insect-encrusted floors, inside countless nasty bathrooms and showers, over layers of filth I still refuse to acknowledge. There’s a good chance they are infected with typhoid.

When I befriended tigers in Thailand, I was warned to keep my shoes on, “in case you have to run for your life.” Not that I was ever going anywhere fast in my flip-flops.

 

My flip-flops have been called many names by new friends all over the globe. They are “thongs” to Aussies, “jandals” to Kiwis and “ship-ships” in Egypt — because that’s the sound you make as you walk through the sand. “Ship … ship … ship …”

These flip-flops were a part of me for so long, you can still see the imprint of my foot in them.

After I returned from my trip, The Husband begged me to throw them away.

“You can’t just wear flip-flops every day for the rest of your life. Also, they smell,” he said. “Let me buy you some new shoes.”

“These are all the shoes I need!” I snapped, and I continued to wear them.

Until one day I didn’t. I was lured out of the house without my trusty flip-flops, betraying them with a sultry pair of Nikes. And of course, that was the day my dog decided to get her chew on.

So it’s all my fault. I left my flip-flops alone and vulnerable, instead of on my feet where they belonged. Now I have to pay the price.

Just know how much I’ll miss you, Shoes. You were a trusty and loyal companion. You were sturdy and reliable. You flip-flopped my heart, and I’ll never be the same.

Poops, I did it again

November 9, 2011

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you have to suffer for the one you love.

For me, that moment arrived yesterday when I got a bag of poop in the face.

In order to explain, first I need to tell you a little bit about my dog. When I got her from the animal shelter, her name was Iris. I thought she was given that name because she’s fancy. Turns out, it came courtesy of her fucked-up irises.

This dog was born completely deaf and about 90 percent blind. Her left eye is tiny, ice blue and completely useless. Her right eye is brownish, and she can use it ever-so-slightly. She can see well enough to get around most of the time, but not enough to avoid walking into the occasional mailbox or telephone pole.

Her eyes actually float in two different directions, like a cartoon dog that’s been hit in the head with a frying pan.

 

This is why I named her Lemon. Because she’s a wonky used car.

That said, she’s also brave and spunky. She literally stops to smell the roses, and she loves nothing more than burrowing under my knees when I take a nap. Her life is entirely scent- and cuddle-driven, which is admirable. For a dog, she’s pretty good at teaching people to enjoy the succulence of life.

Lemon also loves to hit the hiking trails, which is why I take her up the Lykken Trail about once a week. I suspect someone in her family tree once mated with a mountain goat, because she’s a surprisingly good hiker despite her ridiculous low-rider legs.

Yesterday she pooped four times as we approached the trailhead (Aside: Do you think dachshunds poop more because they are stretched out and therefore have longer intestines? This is my theory). I picked up each pile in a plastic bag and secured the bag around the handle of Lemon’s leash. So I was still carrying it with me, but I wasn’t actually holding the sack of nasty.

Another dog approached us, which always spooks Lemon. It doesn’t matter how friendly the dog is, imagine getting your salad tossed by a cold nose that you didn’t even see coming.

After the dog passed, Lemon was a little frantic and skittish, but we still progressed up the mountain. At a particularly thin point of the trail, I noticed two women barreling toward us. I imagined the ladies getting caught in a tangle of dachshund, the whole ball of them tumbling all the way down on rocks and rattlesnakes, eating cactus for lunch.

 

There was only a slight outcropping where Lemon and I could pull over. And just in time too. The women rounded the switchback as I was scooping up Lemon into my arms. And in that motion, the bag of poop launched itself off the leash and smacked me directly in the face.

It would actually be no big deal — after all, there was a layer of plastic between the poo molecules and my cheek — except that these ladies happened to be filming some kind of reality show. One woman had a helmet cam, the other a handheld device. When I ran into them at their car later, they said they were with some kind of TV production team.

So if you happen to see footage of a sweaty hiker chick getting a bag of poop in the face on YouTube someday, that chick might be me.

But remember that I did it for the Lemon I love.

 

San Diego miscellany

November 4, 2011

My dad came to visit me recently, and I was skeptical about how it would go.

See, I didn’t always get along with my family, thanks to my snappy temper and poor decision-making skills. Though our relationship drastically improved with time and I’m a happy, healthy, well-adjusted adult now, I’m still wary out of habit.

Thankfully, the whole visit with daddy-o was fantastic from start to finish. Maybe our best visit of all time.  Maybe too good.

We attended my dad’s military reunion in San Diego, and we stayed at a super weird Holiday Inn. We hung out with Steve, who was the best man in my parents’ wedding. Steve also briefly dated my aunt Hedda, long before she moved from her native Germany to North Carolina and achieved the weirdest accent ever. (Like Southern-fried schnitzel, y’all.)

My dad hadn’t seen Steve in 50 years. They swapped stories about heart attacks.

 

We took a tour of the USS Midway.

 

Pops was happy. He likes this kind of thing.

 

Excessively large military boats aren’t exactly my bag, so I found other ways to keep myself amused.

 

And then I made my dad pose for photos around the ship.

 

Including the jail. This is for The Very Bad Thanksgiving in 1997, Dad!

 

Every evening we had dinner at restaurants by the water, like the San Diego Yacht Club and the random place pictured below. And every night I ate pasta, boiled broccoli and salt, because that’s what vegans eat in San Diego. (Unless you go to Sipz or Stephanie’s, but my dad’s friends weren’t interested in those places.) Luckily I love salt.

 

My dad also wanted to go to the zoo, because he remembers seeing a lady from the San Diego Zoo on Johnny Carson.

I know most, if not all, vegans are anti-zoo. But I’m not one of those people. I used to be a volunteer educator at the Cincinnati Zoo, and I’ve seen firsthand how zoos can help animal populations and contribute to conservation efforts around the globe. Plus, I think zoos play an extremely important role in educating people who might not otherwise care about animals.

That’s not to say I’m 100 percent on board. There are still far too many abhorrent places out there that simply cram creatures into boxes without any concern for their welfare.

But the San Diego Zoo is one of the good ones.

 

My dad’s visit also included a drive through Pioneertown, a trip up the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway and a Steve Poltz backyard concert.

My dad ended up becoming completely obsessed with Steve Poltz and is now anxiously waiting for him to come through Dayton, Ohio — even though I’ve made it clear to Dad that he is NOT allowed to go to a bar in downtown Dayton by himself. He’s grounded. So now he wants to drag my sister Monica into this mess and force her to go to Steve Poltz concerts, which sounds like the very worst idea of all. And Steve Poltz isn’t even playing Dayton, Ohio, so it’s a pointless discussion anyway. I’ll fly home and take them to the Ice Capades instead.

Overall, I think my dad’s visit went a little too well … because he’s coming back for two weeks in January.

And I’m actually looking forward to it.