Before I was a happily married woman, I was a dater. And a lot of bad dates were had. Sometimes the bad dates were caused by unfortunate circumstances. Other times, unfortunate pairings.
Here are 23 of them.
1. The real estate agent who licked my face and left a lingering fragrance of mold.
2. The guy who brought a guitar along and played REO Speedwagon’s “Take It On the Run.” Repeatedly.
3. The editor who kissed me softly, then grabbed my tongue with his hand.
4. The hippie who made me sit at his feet while he sat in a rocking chair and made a gift for me using sticks, weeds and feathers from a dead bird. “It’s a dream catcher,” he said. “It’s for catching your dreams.”
5. The guy who brought his girlfriend along.
6. The drug dealer named Dodge who said, “Maggie, you’re so beautiful and elegant. I would even take you to Red Lobster.” And he never did.
7. The libertarian club president who brought me to a mental institution for our first date. (True story: He later murdered his father by stabbing him more than 50 times.)
8. The guy who was a perfect gentleman. And then told all his friends we had sex.
9. The belligerent alcoholic who got himself arrested at Gold Star Chili. Then he asked me for bail money.
10. The one who Lysol-ed his dirty socks and wore them again.
11. The guy who took me to Burger King. Halfway through our meal he checked his watch and said, “Can we hurry this up? Melrose Place is starting soon.
12. The guy with gigantic tanks of eels in his dorm room.
13. The DJ whose idea of a date was dropping acid.
14. The time my date puked inside the spinning Gravitron carnival ride, making all the little kids weep.
15. The guy who passed out on my living room floor. With his pants down. And his penis in his hand.
16. The brilliant drink-10-pints-of-Guinness-in-one-sitting drinking challenge. (My idea, unfortunately.)
17. The man who cried into his wet burrito, freshly heartbroken over a recent breakup.
18. The marathon runner who excused himself to use the restroom and never came back.
19. The foam party where my date slipped on a floor full of dirty bubbles and cracked a tooth.
20. The party that included a guy named Ishmael with a wad of hash. I went temporarily blind and my friend Gretchen had to hold my hand and walk me home.
21. The one who took me on a hike so long, so difficult and so far into the wilderness, I thought I would eventually have to eat him.
22. The time the guy I was dating paid his roommate to take me out instead. Turns out I preferred the roommate.
23. The guy who read everything in a newscaster voice. Even the brunch menu.
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I’m blogging as part of the Scintilla Project, a fortnight of storytelling. Check it out!
