On the great big list of Things I Love, you’ll find costumes, morbid stuff, vampires, fake eyelashes and making people uncomfortable. Put all of that together, and you can see why Halloween is my most favorite holiday of all time.
Every year it’s like getting a big, gift-wrapped package from Edward Gorey, addressed to me.
Hooray for creepy crawlies and ghouly goblins and things that go bump in the night!
In the past few years, however, I’ve been disappointed to see all the whored-up women’s Halloween costumes. It’s beyond ridiculous.
Sexy remote control?
Get it? You can mute her. And I don’t even know where those batteries are supposed to go.
Also, sexy chicken waitress slaughterer lady thingie?
I don’t get it.
A couple years ago, one of my friends even dressed as a sexy mummy. A SEXY MUMMY. Crazy, right? The whole thing about mummies is that they are inherently not sexy. They are part of the undead. They are dehydrated, and they have their brains pulled out of their noses, and eventually they go on to star in Brendan Fraser movies. And none of that is sexy.
It takes all the fun out of Halloween when nobody wants to be funny or silly or frightening or decaying. Just slutty.
So this year, as I prepared for a pub crawl through Palm Springs, I decided to mock the trend by taking a traditionally unsexy but recognizable character and giving him a slut overhaul.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present Baberaham Lincoln.
Also, I’ve been reading “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.”
I just thought it was a silly way to laugh at all the overtly “sexy” Halloween costumes. Little did I know how many pervs would actually want to make out with Honest Abe.
It was still a lot of fun though. A lot of folks wanted their photo taken with me. A few people thanked me for emancipating their people. I got a lot of random shouts from passers-by on the street: “Hey, you’re my favorite president!” “I see you on the penny!” “Don’t get shot!”
And I got to dance around and act silly with my best friends.
My favorite moment from the night happened when we all piled into my friend’s car, like the start of some bad joke. “So a wine goddess, Pebbles Flintstone, Abe Lincoln and a chicken get into a Toyota …”.
REO Speedwagon came on the radio and we cranked it up for a top-of-our-lungs singalong. Except we only knew every fourth word or so.
“Thinking blah blah blah lies
Nah nah nah bedroom eyes
You say something something something when …
YOU TAKE IT ON THE RUN BABY! If wah wah want it BABY! You’re under the gun so you TAKE IT ON THE RUN!”
Also, I woke up with a purse full of candy. Tell me that’s not a great holiday.
2 Comments
Before reading through the whole post, I thought your costume was a tribute to the Electric Six “Gay Bar” video.
I definitely thought about that! I waffled between doing Baberaham Lincoln and Gaybraham Lincoln.