Maggie Ink

Conversations with a 3-year-old

August 7, 2011

Meet my niece. She is almost four years old, and she’s awesome.

Here she is pretending to be a surly dinosaur. Fierce!

I’m convinced she’s going to grow up to be a play-by-play announcer or a correspondent for one of those news shows where they talk incessantly just to fill time, because she is masterful at talking her way through a variety of experiences. This includes going to the toilet.

While The Husband and I were visiting family, The Brother-in-Law left this little one in my care for just a few minutes. Of course, as soon as we were alone, my niece had to use the bathroom. I think it’s Murphy’s Law for the Childless — those who are the least knowledgable about caring for a child are the most likely to deal with their feces.

NIECE: I have to go poop.

ME: Oh geez. What’s happening? How do you do this … thing? Do you wear diapers?

NIECE: No, I go potty like a big girl.

ME: Alright. Let’s get you to the toilet.

(I carry her to the bathroom. As she hoists her skirt into the air, I plunk her down on the toilet seat.)

ME: Can you handle everything in here? Should I leave you alone?

NIECE: Stay here. Talk to me.

ME: OK. Um … so how’s everything going?

NIECE: I’m pooping.

ME: Yes, I surmised that.

NIECE: It’s coming. It’s coming out now. The poop is in my butt, and now it’s coming out.

ME: Fantastic.

NIECE: Do you smell that? My poop stinks.

ME: Everybody’s poop stinks.

NIECE: I don’t want to eat or drink anything anymore, because that is how poop is made. And I hate to go poop. Uh-oh.

ME: What?

NIECE: More stinky poop is coming. Oh man. I don’t want to poop anymore.

ME: You have to poop. Everyone poops. Actually, have you read “Everyone Poops”? I’ll buy it for you for Christmas.

NIECE: Done! (Grabbing a handful of toilet paper.) I wipe my butt like this.

ME: That’s very good.

(Helping my niece off the toilet.)

NIECE: Look at that. I made that. It’s poop. My poop is brown. Chocolate is also brown, but it does not stink. My poops are little and round.

ME: Nice work.

(Flushing toilet.)

NIECE: High five!

ME: Whoa! Not so fast. Let’s wash those hands.

At least I knew that much.

Patent pending

July 28, 2011

Here’s my high-tech, 100-percent guaranteed method of keeping creepy crawlies out of my clothes and shoes while in the jungle.

A ginormous Ziplock — Amazon-sized for freakishly huge Amazonian bugs.

Shopping for weapons in Argentina

July 21, 2011

Pity the unlucky fool.

Everybody warned me that Buenos Aires would be dangerous.

Watch out for pickpockets! Liars! Thieves! Sketchy men in trench coats!

So I was on guard as soon as my bus hit BA city limits — even though I’d already spent three months backpacking around South America without any problems.

Even the owner of my hostel was the purveyor of doom. “Be careful out there,” he said, his mouth firmly set into a grim line. “Not safe for a girl alone.”

With that in mind, the illuminated streets transformed as I walked them. Elegant architecture leaned menacingly over the sidewalks. Each alley looked more shadowy than the last. Even the jolly cook at a nearby pasta restaurant looked downright criminal as he hoisted a fat knife to slice through sheets of ravioli.

When I happened upon a gun store downtown, I had no choice but to walk inside. I figured it was fate.

The walls were lined with glass cases that ran nearly floor to ceiling. They contained enough firearms to fuel several James Bond movies. Maybe a Jason Bourne one too. Several items under the front counter looked suspiciously like landmines.

It was a small, cramped shop, so I didn’t get far before a few employees descended and asked if I needed help.

At least, I think that’s what they were saying. I only know essential Spanish, like how to order coffee, ask for the toilet or say “Those drugs aren’t mine.”

“Hola,” I said to the shopkeeper, furiously flipping through my purse-sized English-to-Spanish dictionary. Unfortunately, the words I was searching for were’t listed.

“No hablo mucho Espanol,” I apologized. “Donde puedo comprar … pepper spray? Por favor?”

I got a blank look.

“Er, spray de pimiento?”

Nothing.

It was time for me to pull out all the stops. It was time for charades.

I gave an Oscar-worthy performance, playing the role of an innocent woman walking down the street as well as the brutal attacker who punches her in the head. Just as the thief is about to make off with her valuables, our heroine pulls pepper spray from her purse and shoots him in the eye, sending him kicking and screaming to the floor.

I looked up from where I was crumpled on the dirty, stained tile. I was slightly out of breath.

“Spray de pimiento?” I tried again.

“Ah,” said the crowd, which had gathered in a full circle around me.

One of the gun shop employees disappeared behind a curtain. When she returned, she handed over a plastic package of pepper spray.

“Mace,” she said.

Ah. Mace.

For the record, I was never attacked or pickpocketed anywhere in the world, though some thieves ransacked the luggage compartment of my bus in Thailand. And the only thing I had stolen? My pepper spray.

One hundred awesome things: #25-1

July 16, 2011

My friend Monica said most people pass years with nothing to show for it except pay stubs and broken resolutions.

I didn’t want to do it that way. Too many years of my life blend into one another.

So last year I traded in my briefcase for a backpack and set out to travel the world. One year and 19 countries later, I ended up with hundreds of adventures and new memories.

I’ve been posting some of my favorites. Part one is here. Here’s part two. Click here for part three.

And now, I present to you the fourth and final installment of One Hundred Awesome Things I Did During My Year Abroad.

25. Crammed myself into an ancient jar.

24. Crossed the Mekong from Laos to Thailand on a tipsy canoe.

23. Gave alms and fistfuls of rice to monks on the street in Luang Prabang.

22. Attended a Ugandan circumcision festival.

21. Took a spontaneous night bike ride through Malacca, Malaysia. Rang my bell frequently and inappropriately.

20. Worked with formerly abused elephants at a sanctuary in Thailand.

19. Taught an English class in Rwanda.

18. Took a boat to Jordan.

17. Saw the sun set over Angkor Wat.

16. Visited the oldest bar in the world.

15. Discovered that kimchee dumplings are the best. food. ever.

14. Slept in a bamboo hut on the beach.

13. Tiptoed through pharaohs’ tombs.

12. Watched a cricket match.

11. Ate a dessert that includes shaved ice, coconut, grass jelly and beans. And it was good!

10. Biked through Thailand to see a stunning Buddha statue that brought me to tears.

9. Enjoyed an Ethiopian coffee ceremony.

8. Saw a baby giraffe snuggle with a mommy giraffe.

7. Had my eyebrows threaded in Little India, Kuala Lumpur.

6. Ditched the guidebook and asked people for directions and advice instead.

5. Walked through the Amazon rainforest on suspension bridges.

4. Woke up with a goat in my dorm room. (Not on purpose.)

3. Handed out balloons to kids all over the world.

2. Became the person I always wanted to be.

1. Came home again.

Now it’s your turn.

What do you want to do with the next year of your life?

One hundred awesome things: #50-26

July 15, 2011

I actually loathe the term “bucket list,” but it’s the easiest way to summarize what I need to say. Let’s face it — “Things I Would Like to See, Experience and Accomplish Before I Die or Am Too Old to Enjoy Them” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

Basically, I set out in July 2010 with a lot of things to see and do as I traveled around the world. Some of them seemed so far beyond my grasp, I didn’t even dare to dream about them. Some of them weren’t even on my list, because I didn’t know they existed yet.

Call them what you want: Hopes. Wishes. Goals. To me, they just became life.

In one year’s time, I had more than 100 incredible experiences. I posted 25 of them a couple days ago. Yesterday I posted 25 more. Below is the next installment.

How many of these are on your Things I Would Like to See, Experience and Accomplish Before I Die or Am Too Old to Enjoy Them list?

50. Witnessed two deadly puff adders doin’ it on a hiking trail. I think it’s the equivalent of a black cat crossing your path … while it is humping another black cat.

49. Hiked through a Malaysian jungle to see the world’s largest flower.

48. Studied yoga at an ashram.

47. Learned that wildebeest are real.

46. Waded in holy waters.

45. Hunkered down in a hut with African women, learning about their lives.

44. Sampled the goods at a rum distillery in the Peruvian rainforest.

43. Watched the World Cup finals in South American bars.

42. Hiked up Table Mountain in Cape Town, South Africa. Took the tram down.

41. Tangoed in Argentina.

40. Cared for hundreds of monkeys at a sanctuary in Bolivia. Was only attacked once.

39. Had dinner cooked by Bedouins in the middle of the Little Petra desert. They roasted eggplant and potatoes on hot coals, and served it with canned beers they pulled from their coat pockets.

38. Drank a shot called a “shit bucket.”

37. Rode a camel.

36. Tried SCUBA diving. Hated it.

35. Bought fresh sugar cane on the street.