Pregnancy Week 31: The disconnect

I should have known this would happen. Right after I posted that pregnancy makes me feel oh-so-sexy, my body turned against me.

My walk developed a distinct waddle. My right eyelid got fat and swollen. I became super farty. My thighs turned into tree trunks.

To be clear: I still FEEL sexy on the inside. But my outside looks like Sloth from “Goonies.”

 

Otherwise, this has been a terrific week. The Husband and I made a little excursion to Sunnylands, the former estate of Walter and Leonore Annenberg that now serves as a retreat center for national and international leaders. This means I am basically Obama, but with better hair.

 

Also my historic summit was with a bunch of cacti.

 

And sometimes I sat on the ground.

 

I love barrel cacti, so it doesn’t bother me in the least that my belly now resembles one.

 

Here’s what else has been going on this week:

BABY: I really don’t think he’s doing much at this point, other than putting on weight. He’s supposedly the size of a pineapple now, but the other day I held a pineapple at the market and I don’t see how that’s possible.

ME: Emotions. So many emotions. And heartburn.

The biggest thing I’m feeling now is an enormous disconnect — it’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that the baby in my belly is going to be an actual baby living outside of me. Soon.

Here’s how bad it is: Some friends recently gave me wonderful books on child-rearing, and my initial thought was, “Aw, that’s so sweet! But why are they giving me books about raising children? I’m only pregnant.”

It reminds me of my freshman-year grammar class, which was part of the core curriculum at my journalism school. It was a difficult class, so I often thought, “Yeah, this is a good class and all. But when am I ever going to use this?” Around midterm it finally dawned on me, “Oh yeah. EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY ADULT LIFE.”

That’s what’s happening to me here — I’m having that midterm moment of realization. At some point this baby is going to be a BABY. Holy crap.

EXERCISE: This was a terrific week for exercise. Great energy, lots of walking and yoga, plus one day of swimming and one 10-mile bike ride.

CRAVINGS: My usual nacho tooth appears to have been replaced by a sweet tooth. I’m craving watermelon, mango and anything made of cookie.

CAT: Has officially declared ownership of my belly.

 

A long time ago, I thought my cat was a reincarnated version of a dead ex-boyfriend, since they both liked to watch me pee. Now I just think my cat believes I’m a cat too — and he seems to be under the impression that he’s the father of my child.

It’s gonna be awkward when this baby pops out with no whiskers. Like, Maury Povich paternity test awkward.

HUSBAND: Sewing wonderful things for baby.