Pregnancy week 36: Circle, line, twist

I knew that many pregnant women carry the strep virus, which can cause issues for newborns. I knew this, and I knew I would be screened for it toward the end of my pregnancy.

The cause of all this.

What I didn’t know is that we weren’t talking about strep throat. And that made for one very awkward OB visit.

I was perched on the edge of the exam table when the nurse handed me a long swab. She looked bored as she rattled off the instructions: “OK, just take this, make three circles around your vagina, draw a straight line with it, insert it into your rectum and twist.”

“Um, I’m sorry,” I said, and I involuntarily crossed my legs. “I’m going to need you to say that again.”

“Take the swab. Three quick circles around your vagina. Draw a line. Put it in your rectum and twist.”

I’m no prude, and I certainly don’t mind touching my own body. I was just surprised. For one thing, I was really expecting a throat culture here, and there’s a big difference between the two. Except in Bangkok, where I’ve seen performers use the orifices interchangeably.

Also how could I possibly be trusted with this very important task, involving parts of my body I hadn’t seen in months?

Hi feet, Remember me?

“Maybe you could show me on a chart,” I said.

The nurse pointed to a laminated pink diagram of ladybits.

“Circle, circle, circle. Line. Twist,” she said. “It’s not science.”

I wanted to point out that this was, in fact, science. That everything about a visit to the doctor is science. That the only reason I would ever culture my own rectum would be for the purpose of science. But I didn’t want to get into it just then. I had more important things to think about.

Five minutes later I was in the OB office bathroom, one foot propped on the toilet seat, leaning to the side to see past my massive, round belly. But it turns out that dry cotton doesn’t glide nearly as well as the nurse’s finger on a smooth, glossy chart. Somewhere in between circling and twisting, I toppled over into the sliding wooden door, a swab shoved firmly into a very unfortunate place.

At least the test turned out to be negative. So there’s that.

Unless I did it wrong.