Pregnancy week 40-plus: No, I have not had the baby yet

The cashier at Trader Joe’s nodded her head toward my pregnant belly. “When are you due?”

“Last week.”

“My goodness!” she stopped scanning my groceries, her hand paused above a can of split pea soup. “You’re overdue? What are you doing here?”

“I need food.”

I guess the cashier assumed what most everybody does — right around that magical due date, there’s a gush of water, some contractions and pushing, a poop-splosion, and then TA-DAH! A baby comes out.

Is that a watermelon in your uterus? Or are you just happy to see me?

But my due date has come and gone, and still no baby. No contractions. No labor. No crowning. What I do have is growing anxiety and a whole lot of time to waste. And it’s so frustrating, these in-between days. On the one hand, my own life is on hold while I wait for this new life to begin. At the same time, I still need to take care of business. Fill my afternoons. Buy food.

It’s actually more of a mental challenge than a physical one, and it’s way more difficult than I expected. It’s like reaching the end of a marathon and finding that someone has moved the finish line. Every time I inch closer, the line is moved again. There’s no end in sight.

My friends can’t win either. Every day I receive thoughtful, well-intentioned texts, messages and phone calls about the status of the baby, and it makes me grouchy. With every “Where’s the baby?” and “Have you had that baby yet?” the subtext feels more like, “You’re doing pregnancy all wrong. What’s the matter with you?” But when I don’t receive inquiries, that makes me grumpy too, because then I feel isolated and sad, like I’m marooned on the Island of Misfit Pregnant Ladies.

Trust me, I’ve tried all the tricks. Bouncing on the birth ball. Sex. Spicy food. Squats. Garlic pizza. Hot baths. Hula hoop. Curry. Nipple stimulation. Evening primrose oil. Acupressure. Weird yoga moves. Walking. So much walking.

I am trying so hard, and I really thought there would already be a baby in my arms by now. So when someone casually says, “You should have that baby already,” I want to start throwing punches. Really? GREAT IDEA. After 40 weeks of pregnancy, I wasn’t sure what I should do next. But maybe I should HAVE THE BABY! Why didn’t I think of that? I was just hanging on to an extra 35 pounds in 112-degree heat for the hell of it.

HAVE THE BABY? You have the baby.

Yup.

It’s nothing personal. I’m a little on edge.

I’m just ready. I’ve packed and re-packed my hospital bag. The house is clean, and the fridge is stocked. I’m as prepared as I’ll ever be. This part feels like the last few days at a job I’ve already quit — there’s nothing more I can do here. I’m just watching the clock, wasting hours. It’s time for the next phase to begin.

Let’s do this, baby.

Lemon is bored too.

P.S. On a good note that is completely unrelated to my pregnancy, I’m thrilled to see my name among the finalists here. It’s a nice reminder that I have a life outside of watching “House” and waiting to go into labor.