So you want to use an Indian toilet

So you want to use an Indian toilet. Congratulations! If you’re lucky, you’ll have two choices.

TOILETS

1. The Indian toilet (aka Eastern toilet, keyhole toilet, squatter)

 

How to use: Face forward, feet on the designated foot pads, rear hovering over the hole. Situate yourself in a classic squat position, with the backs of your thighs meeting the backs of your calves.

It will feel freakin’ weird, and it will take every ounce of your focus to avoid peeing on your feet. But eventually you will find that this is a much more natural and easy position for elimination when compared to the sit-down toilet.

Don’t worry about the water around your feet. (Keep telling yourself it’s just water.)

2. The Western toilet (aka American toilet, sit-down toilet, crapper)

 

Hopefully, you’ve already mastered this technique: Sit. Strain. Poo.

CLEANING UP

If your business was of the number one variety, don’t worry about flushing the urine away. You’ll be wasting precious water in a place where you should be conserving it.

Number two, however, is a different story.

If you are using a Western toilet, chances are the flusher doesn’t work. If there’s a bucket, you might try filling the tank with water. If the flusher still won’t budge, you’ll have to run out of the bathroom and pretend you weren’t the poo culprit. Practice saying, “Wow. Watch out for that stall … I mean, it was like that when I got there.”

If you are using the Indian squat toilet, aim for a hole in one. That makes things easy-peasy. If you’ve missed the hole, use the nearby cup and bucket of water to flush everything down. If there is no nearby cup and bucket of water, you’re on your own.

CLEANING YOURSELF

Done? Well, unless you’ve brought it yourself, there is no toilet paper. Don’t even bother looking. In fact, many Indians view our toilet paper ways as wasteful, unhygienic and positively barbaric. They are probably right.

So instead of paper, you’ll be using water to wipe.

Draw a cup of water from the nearby bucket, and pour it forcefully on your own business. Sometimes the water is even warm, which is a pleasant treat.

 

Most toilets will even have a washpipe with a squirter to assist you in cleaning yourself. Think: High pressure car wash for your bum.

 

Squirt front to back or back to front — it’s your personal preference — but from my experience, front to back is the smarter way to go. Keep squirting until all the waste has been removed. If you need assistance, bring in your left hand for a little extra scrubbing power.

Note: Always wipe with your left hand. Your right hand is reserved for other business, like eating, accepting gifts, shaking hands, etc. Even so, one would hope that you have washed both hands — with soap! — after using the toilet.

Think wiping with your hand is gross? Don’t. As one of my Indian friends says, “If you won’t touch your own ass, who will?”

My only issue was with the wetness that remains after squirting myself with water. (Well, I also have a problem with faulty squirters shooting me in the eye. But that’s a different story.) My Indian friend, again, made an excellent point.

“It’s a hot country,” he said. “You’ll dry.”