Christmas Archives - Maggie InkMaggie Ink

Cooleyhighholiday: A Christmas Miracle

December 23, 2015

The Ghost of Christmas Past just reminded me of this story, which took place a few years ago.

A friend of mine, an opera singer, was booked to perform at a local casino during the tribe’s holiday party. I tagged along, but I don’t remember why. Probably for free food.

While my friend crooned Christmas carols, I sat backstage on a rickety metal chair. A couple of guys were sitting back there too, and they laughed when the chair almost tipped me onto the floor. They were nice, though, and we had a ridiculously good time for people hanging out in the wings of a dusty stage. I don’t even remember everything we chatted about, only that we laughed a lot.

One of the guys complimented my friend’s singing and said she’d be a tough act to follow.

ME: Oh, you sing?

GUY: Yeah, we have a group.

ME: Sweet. What’s your group called?

GUY: Boyz II Men.

You guys, Boyz II Freaking Men.

Boyz II Men served as the soundtrack for my formative years. I owned “Cooleyhighharmony” on cassette, and when it wore out, I bought the CD. More of my backseat makeout sessions were set to “I’ll Make Love to You” than other jam. And I’ve been to more than one prom with the theme, “End of the Road.”

So when I realized these dudes were actually Boyz II Men, I did the only thing I could do. I launched into the Michael Bivins rap from “Motownphilly.”

“Now check this out
One day back in Philly
Four guys wanted to sing
They came up to me I said
What’s your name? (Boyz II Men)
Ya know what I’m sayin’.”

It’s a horrible flaw of mine that I sing celebrities’ songs to them. Usually the musicians aren’t happy about it. But in this case, the guys played along, launching into the “dum dum dum dah dah” harmony — a little Christmas gift to me.

Last Christmas redux

April 6, 2012

MAGGIE: So I’ve been thinking. You know how one of my biggest goals in life is to create a shot-by-shot remake of Wham’s “Last Christmas” video?

HUSBAND: Wait. What?

M: “Last Christmas.” Classic Wham. Remake.

H: I have no idea what those words mean.

So I busted out the video in all its mulleted-hair, reindeer-sweatered, Eskimo-hooded glory.

HUSBAND: You realize there’s snow in this video. And we live in Palm Springs.

MAGGIE: Hello, MOUNTAINS ACROSS THE STREET. We just need to wait for the next snowfall and then go up the tram.

H: Fine. That’s not until, like, November, but I’m not going to argue. So which character would you be?

M: The girl with the curly hair.

H: And who would I be?

M: Well, I thought you’d make a very nice Andrew Ridgeley. With a wig, of course.

H: Which one is he?

M: He’s the guy who hangs on my arm while I shoot longing looks across the table at George Michael.

H: Oh great. So I’m the guy who gets cheated on?

M: No! George Michael is my former flame! Haven’t you been paying attention to the video?

H: I was, but I got confused.

M: It’s all about the broach. FOLLOW THE BROACH.

H: This video makes no sense.

M: Hrumph. I don’t know what you’ve been doing since 1984, but clearly you weren’t watching any important videos.

H: Why were you involved with George Michael in the first place?

M: It’s like you don’t know me at all.

Wishlist

December 12, 2011

Are you a wealthy, benevolent benefactor? Excellent! I happen to be a happy, willing recipient of goods.

Let me present you with my Christmas list.

1. The Paris Review sports pen. For active, on-the-go literati.

Because you never know where you’re gonna be when you need to write shit down. With a fountain pen.

2. Fancy, lace-up boots.

My theory is that completely illogical boots draw attention away from my enormous nose.

3. Purity ring.

Back when I was a teen, virginity wasn’t really a trend. So now I feel like I was cheated out of some awesome chastity jewelry.

4. Leica X1.

As far as cameras go, this is the equivalent of Ryan Gosling. And it too has incredible core muscles.

5. Donation to the Landmine Relief Fund.

At the risk of going all Sarah McLachlan and bumming you out with something super serious, this NGO does incredibly important work in Cambodia.

Basically, Cambodians live on land that is KILLING THEM. Literally. There are millions of explosives still buried throughout the country, on farms, in villages, all over fields and forests, and they are wildly efficient. So the Landmine Relief Fund sends in trained professionals, who risk their own lives to save their neighbors.

I mean, I’m not going to dig up a landmine, right? So I might as well support the people who do.

6. A rainbow machine.