Apple unveiled the new member of the iPhone family today, iPhone 4S.
No, this wasn’t the completely redesigned iPhone 5 many of us were expecting. For that fact alone, a bunch of people bitched and moaned and sprained their eyes with all the rolling.
But not me. I am an unapologetic Apple groupie. I want whatever they’re selling, no matter what it is. They could actually unveil an apple and I’d buy it.
Behold! The iApple.
My love affair with Apple products runs long and deep. We used the Apple II in school, back when screens were black and green and everybody died of dysentery in the Oregon Trail game. My first printer was named Wozniak. I took a Mac to college and carried my trusty iPod mini around the world. My version of heaven is filled with apps.
And I damn near make out with all this electric candy, as you can see in this photo of my now-vintage iPhone.
The thing is that I’m an early adapter. So I enthusiastically buy the products when they’re hot and fresh, and then I can’t afford to get the newer, better, more updated versions later. Like that iPhone you just saw in the photo? That’s the phone I still use. It’s not even compatible with half the apps in the app store.
It’s about time I get a new phone. And I can’t imagine anything better than the new iPhone 4S — except maybe Steve Jobs himself, riding a unicorn made of cotton candy on my front porch.
The new iPhone 4S is everything I ever needed and some things I haven’t even thought of yet. It’s faster! It has an 8 megapixel camera! And it comes with a personal assistant named Siri! Do you know how long I’ve needed a personal assistant named Siri? Well, not long at all. But now that I know she’s out there, I covet her.
All the minimalist stuff I’ve been preaching for the past couple years? It is a facade. Because all I want to do is walk into an Apple store when the new phone is released on Oct. 14, hand over my credit card and say, “Gimme everything you got.” Then I’ll wallpaper my room with iPhones and listen to Siri reprimand me for going over budget. I want to roll around on a stack of iPhones like Scrooge McDuck with his piles of money. I want to crawl up inside an iPhone and let it rock me to sleep.
This is the first phone that makes me wish I had more shit to do. As it is, I live a freelancer lifestyle with not very many appointments. But that won’t stop me from pushing Siri around and demanding, “Phone, reschedule my walk with the dog for 9:15. Phone, add wine to the grocery list. Phone, remind me to shower.”
Oct. 14 cannot get here fast enough.