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Pregnancy Week 18: It’s a …!

February 3, 2014

There’s a moment during every ultrasound when I’m pretty sure my heart stops.

The technician squirts cold gel on my belly, then firmly presses the transducer to my abdomen. She moves it back and forth, as if channeling something on a ouija board. I turn my face toward the monitor, frantically searching the blackness on the screen. I don’t see a baby anywhere, and I die about 15 times in just a few seconds.

Abruptly, a tiny, squirming baby pops into focus. A baby! My baby! And all is right with the world.

Wee one.

So that happened again this week. Minor panic attack. Recovery. Good times.

I usually hate it when people post their ultrasound images, because they never actually look like babies. They’re more like fuzzy photo negatives from a century-old arctic expedition. Yet here I am now, so enamored with these speckled pictures of a big, gorgeous baby only I can see.

Though I will admit Baby looks like a resident of Whoville right now. Let’s hope that’s not permanent.

And then my heart grew three sizes.

Since I am of “advanced maternal age,” my most recent ultrasound was done with a genetic specialist, and the whole process lasted more than an hour. The Husband stood by my side, and we high-fived every time we saw a new body part.

TECHNICIAN: Here is the spine …

ME: Spine! Ohmigod. I love spines!

TECHNICIAN: There are the baby’s feet …

HUSBAND: Hell yeah. Feet!

TECHNICIAN: These splotches here are the kidneys …

US: Woo! Kidneys!

The technician pushed a button that made the screen move with splotchy clouds of blue and red, which supposedly displayed the four chambers of the heart pumping blood.

TECHNICIAN: See the blood flowing here and here …

ME: It actually looks like there’s a storm front moving in.

TECHNICIAN: Huh. Yeah, it does. Well, here’s the polar vortex, and that right there is Atlanta.

Finally, the technician confirmed what I suspected all along. It’s a boy!

Here you go. This is the first and last time my child’s penis will ever be on the internet. I hope.

The technician added some helpful notations.

I’m still in a little bit of shock. It’s a boy!

A boy who will pee in my face when I change his diapers. A boy who will get poop on his testicles. A boy who will turn paper towel tubes into weapons. A boy who will stand up to use the potty. A boy who will grow up and fall in love with a girl or boy and sneak out of the house and bong a few Miller Lites and smash the Camaro … and I’m terrified. I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t know how to be a mother to a boy.

For the record, I don’t know how to be a mother to a girl either. And we don’t have a Camaro. I’m just scared overall, regardless of the baby’s sex.

Here’s how everything else is going this week:

Baby: The size of a bell pepper. He also has little ears and his own unique set of fingerprints.

Baby also enjoys being stuffed and baked for one hour at 350 degrees.

Me: Not the size of a bell pepper. But I’ve reached the point of pregnancy where strangers will approach me and rub my belly, as if I can grant them three wishes. (I can’t, unfortunately.)

Also my belly is lopsided. I think this is normal? Or maybe all those strangers have just been pushing too hard on one side.

The belly of the beast.

Weight: I’ve gained six pounds so far. I didn’t necessarily want this information — I’ve been trying to keep my focus away from numbers on the scale — but my doctor told me anyway.

Food: Cravings have mostly been of the difficult-to-obtain variety: Masala dosa. Kanom krok, tiny coconut pancakes from Thailand that are crispy and creamy, sweet and savory. And these spicy kimchi dumplings from a street vendor in Seoul.

Not just any dumplings, mind you. THESE.

Wonton display of longing.

GIVE THEM TO ME NOW.

Pregnancy Week 17: Sweet Dreams are Made of This

January 26, 2014

For the first time, someone asked if I was expecting, and it was both sweet and awkward.

LADY: (looking at my belly) Oh! When are you … I mean, are you?

ME: Yes! July 5.

LADY: Oh. You still have a long way to go. You look farther along.

ME: Um, no. But I had a big bowl of pho yesterday, and I think the sodium kinda made me explode.

It was the truth. I was fat-cheeked and plumper than usual, as if the baby somehow gobbled a few pizzas and a pan of brownies without me. (Things have since settled down considerably.)

Pho king belly.

Then the lady asked the weirdest thing.

LADY: Are you peeking?

ME: Am I what?

LADY: Well, if not already, are you planning to peek?

ME: I don’t … um, I’m not sure what you mean.

LADY: You know. Boy or girl. Are you peeking?

ME: Oh, right. No. My belly doesn’t work that way.

I was confused. I pictured some kind of porthole into my uterus. Or something like Barbie’s pregnant friend Midge, with the removable stomach and pop-out baby.

Damn Midge. She makes it look so easy.

LADY: I meant, are you going to find out the baby’s gender?

I considered telling her that gender is a socially constructed concept. We will actually be finding out the baby’s sex, which refers to the child’s anatomy … but then I realized WHEE! We will find out the baby’s sex this week. Wow, that sure happened fast!

So, to answer her question, yes. I will be peeking.

I have two doctor’s appointments coming up this week, and as always, I am nervous — especially since one of those visits is with a genetic specialist, and it is literally his job to tell me what’s wrong with my baby. But I’m also getting to the point where I’m more pumped than anxious. Woo, I’ll get to wave to my little one on a black-and-white screen full of static again. BEST DAY EVER!

NEW THIS WEEK

Baby: Is the size of an onion, according to my iPhone apps. (I am not sure what variety of onion, but I’m picturing a sweet, bulbous Vidalia.)

Baby’s sex: My guess is boy.

Baby’s first national park.

Me: I feel good. I have had some round ligament pain, but it’s more like a dull ache or a tiny tug, and I don’t mind it. It reminds me that something’s happening in there.

I’ve also been having a lot of strange, particularly vivid dreams lately. Nothing about giving birth to kittens or anything like that. Just colorful, trippy dreams. It’s like dropping acid every night but without all the anxiety that I’ll never be normal again.

Some of the most notable ones:

* On Cyber Monday, everybody who went online turned into a robot.

* My friend Tod From Dayton (not be confused with Tod from Palm Desert), had to give Steven Tyler lessons on how to be a rock star.

* Adonis moved in next door. Like, the actual Greek god. It made borrowing a cup of sugar super hot.

* My friend Eileen took up a low-carb diet that consisted of only quail eggs.

* Heather and I met two men with ridiculous facial hair and helped them carry mattresses. They turned out to be editors at Tin House.

* My friend Agam quit his job as manager of an MFA program and joined a Doobie Brothers cover band.

* I was drinking a beer. Just one very big, beautiful glass of dark beer. And then I took Cheryl Strayed to my favorite place in Hampi, India, a little restaurant full of lavender scarves and clove cigarettes, where we sat on pillows, shared a dosa and wrote lovely things.

* North Korea decided to attack the United States. Specifically, they attacked Rancho Mirage, CA. But then Stephen Graham Jones, a professor in my creative writing program, thwarted their plans by distracting them with a fake Beach Boys band — just a bunch of golfers in Tommy Bahama shirts. While they were singing “Good Vibrations,” Stephen Graham Jones slipped the North Korean soldiers some jelly doughnuts filled with lethal doses of sleeping pills. ‘Merica!

Days until a dirty martini: 161

Pregnancy Week 16: Clinton, Kobe and golfers, oh my!

January 21, 2014

First, there was the pregnancy announcement with Bryan Cranston, who was perfectly lovely.

As soon as I told him my idea for an epic Breaking Bad pregnancy announcement, he was game. “Let’s do it,” he said. “Where should I stand? Should I hold your belly?”

The blue meth made me do it.

That was a couple weeks ago. And then this week of pregnancy, things got really crazy.

I volunteered for the Clinton Foundation’s Health Matters conference, which addresses important questions about health and wellness in the U.S. My job was to act as security for the talent, which included Herschel Walker, Matt Kemp and Kobe Bryant, checking badges backstage.

Safety first.

Like, this Kobe.

This marks the first and only time a Laker will be guarded by a relatively small pregnant lady.

The same Kobe who is chatting up Chelsea Clinton. Like, this Chelsea.

Outside this door? Me with a walkie talkie, ready to kick some ass! And talk to people in CB slang.

Then I brought my dad to the Humana Challenge golf tournament, which featured a bunch of men who are golf famous. Not Tiger, but you know. Those other guys in the pants with the clubs.

Hideous winter weather in Palm Springs.

And then we saw President Bill Clinton, who recognized me from such things as following him around the golf course last year.

Not the father.

This fetus, man. It’s destined to become an A-list celebrity. Or a TMZ paparazzo.

Here’s how everything else is going this week:

Baby: Is the size of a Hass avocado, and my uterus is the size of a cantaloupe. This prompted my friend Abby to say the best thing of my pregnancy thus far: “An avocado inside a cantaloupe inside your belly is like a pregnant vegetarian Turducken.”

Wee baby Turducken.

The interesting thing is that I have not received a single comment about my pregnant belly or anything like that. So all those times pre-pregnancy when I felt so bloated or thought everyone was focused on my extra pounds, NOBODY ACTUALLY NOTICED BUT ME. Right now I am literally walking around with something the size of a melon in my gut, and it still slides under the radar.

Other baby stuff: Baby is growing hair, lashes and eyebrows now. (Weird!) It can hear my voice. (So weird!) Supposedly I will feel it move soon. (Super duper weird!)

At night before I fall asleep, I lie very still and focus on the baby and try to feel it flutter. Sometimes I even feel the tiniest bit of something! And then I’ll realize I ate a lot of lentils this week, and I’m probably feeling what my friend Ashley calls “a cherished moment of gas.”

New this week: I am itchy. All the time. Every part of me. I’m sure part of this can be attributed to living in the desert in winter. But I think part of it is also caused by my skin expanding to accommodate an entirely new human.

These products have been hitting the dry spot: Weleda stretch mark massage oil, Weleda sea buckthorn creamy body wash and Alba very emollient body lotion. Sweet, sweet emollience.

Cream of the crop.

Also my hair has been weird. The curl is weird. Length is weird. Ends are dry. Where’s the glorious, thick pregnancy hair I’ve read about? I want my money back!

Clothes: Still wearing my regular clothes, but I’ve also added this maternity T-shirt into the rotation. It is so soft and so long, and it is black like Morrissey’s soul, and I love it forever and ever.

Liz Lange for Target; very comfortable for me.

I have also been wearing my Thai fisherman plants a lot. What exactly are Thai fisherman pants? Well, they are pants that involve a lot of fabric, very wide legs and a weird, wide waistband that is elaborately folded, then tied.

I was certain these pants would become fashion’s next big thing, and I stocked up while I was in Chiang Mai. I have about six pairs in a variety of colors.

I mean, they still haven’t gotten very trendy yet. And sometimes people point and openly laugh at me when I wear them to Trader Joe’s. But someday, you’ll all see.

Who’ll be laughing then? Me and this guy.

I’d post a photo of me in my Thai pants, but the internet isn’t ready for that much sexy.

Husband: Happy.

Let’s hope we’re better at making babies than selfies.

Pregnancy week 15: I feel good. Too good.

January 12, 2014

Every day this week I woke up full of energy. My belly seemed flatter. I didn’t have any wild mood swings.

I felt so good, in fact, I figured SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG.

Clearly, the baby fell out while I wasn’t looking. Or something.

Yes, exactly.

Right now I’m stuck in this weird limbo: I’m between monthly doctor visits. Most of my first trimester symptoms have gone away, but it’s still too early to feel the baby move. My belly hasn’t really popped yet, I just look like I need to cut back on the burritos. Sometimes I don’t even feel pregnant at all.

I read online that some women can hear their baby’s heartbeat in the bathtub by submerging their belly underwater, then leaning back until both ears are submerged too. So I tried that. The only heartbeat I heard in the water was slow, about half the speed of what a baby’s heartbeat should be. And I totally freaked out — until I realized that slow-ass heartbeat I was hearing was my own.

Anyway, I couldn’t hear the baby at all. And my friend Emily said I’m not allowed to read crazy lady pregnancy websites anymore. So no more DIY baby eavesdropping for me.

Besides feeling suspiciously terrific, here’s how things are going:

This week, baby is the size of an orange.

Hi baby! I’m about to juice you and drink you for breakfast. Which is weird.

But seriously. Oranges are huge. And I remember when baby was just the size of a poppyseed. I can’t even wrap my head around this.

*sigh* They grow up so fast.

This week I went back to work and started school again at the same time, so I haven’t done any major hikes or bike rides. But I still managed to walk a few miles every day. Then I went to my first official prenatal yoga class. (I’ve been doing prenatal yoga videos at home, but I tend to perform better in a class, because I get really competitive with my own reflection in the mirror. Like a betta fish.)

I hope laying by the pool with friends, eating French fries and laughing is also good for me, because I did that too.

It was a great pool party, even with this hideous view.

Pregnancy Week 14: The Salton Sea and No Pee

January 5, 2014

Oh hey, energy. I’ve missed you.

This week brought fewer naps, a 12-mile bike ride, a handful of hikes and a renewed love of berry smoothies.

On top of a mountain, powered by my own two feet.

The Husband and I also made a quick day trip to the Salton Sea for a short (2-mile) hike along the shoreline.

The Salton Sea, created by Colorado River flooding, is one of the lowest spots on earth and one of the world’s largest inland seas. It’s a bizarre place. Though the sea was once lined with resorts and known as the American Riviera (or the Riviera of California), it’s now surrounded by abandoned homes and dilapidated buildings. It’s also an environmental disaster.

Still, it’s really beautiful. It’s an important stopover for migratory birds. It’s filled with millions of fish. Plus, I have a soft spot for broken places and worn things.

All quiet on the Salton Sea.

I love the stillness there. Like someone pressed life’s pause button.

Maybe that’s why I wanted to take this week’s pregnancy photo there. I’m in a happy place right now, and I want to savor this moment.

My hump: Week 14.

About 30 miles away is the desolate desert town of Niland, home to Slab City, an abandoned military training area that now attracts drifters, squatters and others seeking an alternative lifestyle — one entirely off the grid.

If you’ve seen “Into the Wild,” a portion of it takes place here.

Even Bella from Twilight couldn’t ruin this part of the film.

Niland is also home to Salvation Mountain. Part of “Into the Wild” took place here too. Here’s a clip.

Salvation Mountain is one man’s attempt to spread a message of faith and love, and he has spent decades constructing this mountain out of hay, mud and more than 100,000 gallons paint. It’s pretty remarkable, and my photo doesn’t come close to showing the size or the fairytale quality of the place. Inside the mountain is a maze of altars and rooms, elaborate displays of car doors, telephone poles, gnarled tree branches, photos and truck parts.

Salvation Mountain. This photo doesn’t even begin to do it justice.

I’m not the most evangelical person in the world — actually, I’m not evangelical at all. But I can respect someone who has this kind of passion and can channel that into a massive work of art.

Bump in the desert.

The other big thing that happened this week: One day I woke up at 4 a.m. and couldn’t pee. This, as many of you might know, is the opposite of what happens to most women during pregnancy. And it was a dramatic shift for me too. Usually I’m pissing all over the place like an incontinent mountain lion.

Have you ever needed to pee and couldn’t? It’s incredibly stressful. Within a matter of minutes, I was Violet Beauregarde. And I panicked.

Stick a fork in me. I’m done.

What happens if I never pee again? I wondered. Can I pop? What if I pop? Certainly popping is bad for the baby.

Luckily, the internet exists, and I quickly found two possible causes of this problem: A urinary tract infection, which is common during pregnancy. Or the baby was blocking the bladder — another common issue, particularly for women who are in week 13-15 (check!) and have a tilted uterus (check!).

The bad news is that this has happened every night since then. I think the baby settles into a strange spot during the night. The good news is that the problem should sort itself out once the baby gets bigger and stops using my bladder for a pillow.

In the meantime, I found some suggestions online from other pregnant ladies for how to kick-start the flow:

* Go to the hospital and have a catheter inserted.

Yeah, that’ll be my last resort. Thanks.

* Sit in different positions on the toilet.

I tried this. I leaned forward. I leaned left. I leaned right. Then I tried turning around backward, like I was riding a toilet pony. None of it worked, but it sure was interesting.

* While you try to urinate, pour a cup of hot water over your ladybits. It will help get things flowing.

What? Ow. No. Who told you this was ok?

* Push your hand up on your cervix and manually shift your uterus up.

You know, I’m really not confident in my ability to push my uterus anywhere. Generally, I just let it go where it wants to go. I’m growing a free-range uterus here.

* Walk around, rub your belly, wait for the baby to shift a little, then try again.

Yes. This worked.

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