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Pregnancy Week 23: When hormones attack

March 10, 2014

I have been waking up on the wrong side of the pregnancy pillow this week.

I am crabby and mean. But I am also needy and sad.

Within the space of five minutes, I complained to The Husband: I am so lonely. Nobody calls me anymore or wants to hang out with me. My friends don’t ask how I’m doing. They don’t care. Nobody cares. When I send pregnancy photos to my family, they don’t comment on them or say I look pretty. And the last time I sent a photo to my sister she said it looks like I’m about to cry. And why did I have to give up an hour this week? I want it back! With interest! And look — salsa fell off the chip and onto my big tummy and taxes are due AND OH GOD EVERYTHING, ALL AT ONCE.

Then I cried.

It is lovely being married to me right now, I’m sure.

Photo taken during the five minutes my emotions weren’t wildly ricocheting all over the place.

Are these hormones? Is that what’s happening here? Because fuck hormones. I hate feeling this uneven and irritable. This is not me.

On a lighter note, spring has waltzed into the desert, bringing crazy cactus blooms and pastel sunsets and letters from President Clinton. Those are good things, even though I feel a little too delicate to fully enjoy them right now.

Pen pals! This was the highlight of my week.

Little pricks.

You’d never know I was in a grocery store parking lot.

Here’s what else is up this week:

Baby: Supposedly the size of a grapefruit, but I no longer believe my iPhone app on this matter. So you’re telling me this baby is the size of a grapefruit? But he is also 12 inches long?

When’s the last time you saw a damn grapefruit that was as tall as a schoolkid’s ruler?

Never. That’s when.

Family portrait! The Husband, me and baby grapefruit.

Cravings: Tomato-based foods. Marinara. Salsa. Tomato-basil soup.

Body: Bigger. I guess this is what happens.

Also I am starting to feel the limitations of pregnancy, and that has been difficult to accept. Normally when a person works out each day, the reward is that the routine gets easier, your muscles take longer to fatigue, you feel the results. That’s one of the basic principles of physiology: The more you exercise, the more your body wants to be in motion.

Pregnancy is the exact opposite. For me, anyway. Lately I feel like I am fighting with myself. Each day the effort is more daunting, and laziness is more seductive. I want to rest. But also know that’s not what’s best for me or the baby — I need to maintain some level of fitness.

So I still walk 2-3 miles each morning, and I’ve been doing prenatal yoga. I took my bike out for a slow 10-mile ride. I went for a hike with my husband, even though I couldn’t make it anywhere close to the end; I had to admit defeat and turn back down the mountain, wheezing the whole descent.

The view from not-the-top.

Maybe in the coming days I’ll try to tackle that mountain again. Maybe this time I’ll even make it to the top.

Pregnancy Week 21: The Cat’s in My Cradle

February 23, 2014

I ended up spending a lot of time at home the past several days, which is why this week has been all about my cat.

Kung Pao Kitten has always been loving and cuddly, but my pregnancy has made him even more so. Like, affectionate x 1,000. Every time I sit, he clambers onto my belly and makes it his home, as if he’s a hen on a nest, trying to hatch an egg.

This guy.

When I sleep, it’s with a cat slung across my middle. When I wake up, it’s with a cat in my face. And when I stand up, he leaps into my arms and sprawls out on my shoulders.

The purrfect companion. (Get it? See what I did there?)

This is why I think the baby will come out purring. It’s possible that my uterus is like Dr. Doolittle and can talk to the animals.

Oh. The dog is here too.

Also, I’ve had a lot of irrational anxiety this week. This is where having a logical, math/science guy husband ~~is frustrating~~ comes in handy. For instance, the other day I didn’t do any of my normal errands because I suddenly became scared and sad and didn’t want to leave the house. Then I told The Husband about it.

ME: Well, I was afraid the baby might fall out.

HIM: Fall out? Is that something that happens?

ME: I think it has happened to someone.

HIM: The baby just falls out?

ME: Yes. I’m pretty sure that happens. I read something online …

HIM: What are your sources? How often does this happen? What are the statistics on this? How often do babies just fall out?

ME: I mean, I don’t think anyone keeps numbers on that kind of thing.

I’m also leaving for Seattle this week. Normally I’m a girl who loves planes — I’m an Air Force brat, I love to fly, I even maintain a top five list of favorite aircraft — but I’ve suddenly become a nervous flier. So I told The Husband I am unsure about going to Seattle now.

HIM: Did the doctor say it was OK for you to fly?

ME: Yes. It’s just … well, I think the baby might explode.

HIM: Has a baby ever exploded on an aircraft? Ever?

ME: I think so. It’s something to do with cabin pressure.

I’ve also been obsessively following the pregnancy of JWoww, of “Jersey Shore” fame, since she and I are expected to give birth around the same date. We’re pregnancy twinsies! Frustratingly, she still seems to have abs.

See? She looks great.

It makes me worry that I’m getting too big or maybe I’m not using enough self-tanner.

Irrational fears aside, here’s how everything else is going this week.

Baby: 10.5 inches long. Depending on the pregnancy app, baby is either the size of a pomegranate or a small cantaloupe or a carrot.

Listen, I thought this comparing-baby-to-food thing was charming at first, and it certainly made trips to the market with my husband more fun — “Look, a lime! Awww, this is what our baby looks like! But not green or nubby!” But now it’s starting to weird me out. Especially when none of my resources agree about basic size. Or shape. Or even type of produce.

Exercise: I’ve still been walking, hiking and doing yoga, but pregnancy is starting to affect my stamina and center of balance. It’s not too bad yet — just something I’ve noticed.

Cravings: Lots of berries. Chips and salsa. I also ate my weight in homemade hummus this week.

Total weight gain: 10 pounds. That seems about right on track for a person who is not part of the “Jersey Shore” cast.

Belly: Big. I think everything popped this week. I can barely tie my sleepy-time shorts anymore.

Whoa, baby.

One of my pregnancy iPhone apps shows me what my body would look like if it were split in half, kind of like a dollhouse. To be honest, I should have paid more attention in health class, because until now, I wasn’t quite sure how everything fit together in there.

So this is where babies come from.

It’s starting to make more sense now.

HUSBAND: Felt the baby kick for the first time! He was very excited and didn’t quite know how to put the sensation into words. He just shook his head and muttered, “So cool! So weird. But so cool! Wow. This is a big deal.”

Pregnancy week 20: Halfway!

February 16, 2014

I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones or the Valentine’s Day propaganda, but lately I am so happy and so goopy with love.

I know, it’s terrible. I’ve become one of those people. Snow White singing to birds in the forest. Chirpy Pollyanna playing The Glad Game. Cheerful and bouncy Tigger. Believe me, I know it’s annoying. I get it. It’s hard to be “Shiny Happy People” when I’m typically all “Love Will Tear Us Apart.”

I never thought I would be this way. I remember sitting cross-legged by the exercise trail at Ohio University, blowing angry cigarette smoke in the faces of the joggers — they were up early, I was up late. I was so jealous of the life and health those people possessed, the way they faced each morning with joyfully pounding feet and vigorously beating hearts. Back then I was so depressed, I couldn’t imagine purposely propelling myself forward into the day when I was just barely hanging on.

Somehow that changed. I don’t completely understand what mysterious fairy dust led me to this place, but here I am. Happy.

I guess I’ve been much happier for years, the product of good friends, good books, living in a place with abundant sunshine, lots of travel and seeing a big world outside of myself. But this big love I have in my heart right now, like THIS VERY MINUTE? I think it’s the pregnancy.

I just love being pregnant. Love it. If I were younger, I would even consider doing this professionally. I love the fullness I feel. I love waking up to my husband’s smile and knowing that I’m carrying something we’ve created. I love embracing how wonky and different my body feels. For once in my life, I have zero control over what’s happening to my body, and it’s liberating. I love how pregnancy is a lesson in patience, because I just have to trust that everything will be alright.

It reminds me of when I was an avid skydiver, the way I was happiest and most calm during free fall. Because in free fall, I didn’t yet know if I had a problem with my parachute. I just relaxed into the sky and relished the sensation of floating, and it was magic.

Here’s how everything has been going this week:

The Husband and I celebrated Valentine’s Day with alcohol-removed champagne that tasted less sad than it sounds and homemade beet and avocado sushi.

Like Chris Rock once said: No sex in the alcohol-removed sparkling wine room.

Beet: It’s what’s for dinner.

Baby also did his first 5K! I carried him the whole time, though, lazy bum.

We did the Color in Motion run, which involves people tossing packets of dyed cornstarch everywhere.

Like Holi, but for no particular reason.

I blue myself. And greened. And yellowed.

Here I am with The Husband and our friend Wendy, before and after.

We totally dyed out there.

Baby: Somehow this child has gone from the size of a mango to the size of a banana, according to my iPhone pregnancy app. How is that possible? Who knows? I don’t understand it either. But I like bananas, so I am ok with this development.

Food: I’m not having any cravings exactly, except that I want to eat everything spicy and everything Asian. This is 100 percent normal, though.

Exercise: Lots of walking, plus that Color in Motion 5K. And swimming! I’ve rediscovered how wonderful swimming can be.

We’ve had some 90-degree days here, and the water has been warm and luscious.

I did not intentionally match my toenails to the pool, but let’s pretend I did.

I didn’t even realize the impact my new, round belly had on my body until I lowered myself into the pool the other day. The cocoon of water cradled me, held me afloat, and I felt truly weightless. I just glided through the water, anchored to nothing. It was glorious.

The water did make my growing belly seem all wobbly though, which was strange and funny.

Like a bowl full of jelly.

It’s amazing. Who would have ever thought I could be so round and happy?

Pregnancy Week 18: It’s a …!

February 3, 2014

There’s a moment during every ultrasound when I’m pretty sure my heart stops.

The technician squirts cold gel on my belly, then firmly presses the transducer to my abdomen. She moves it back and forth, as if channeling something on a ouija board. I turn my face toward the monitor, frantically searching the blackness on the screen. I don’t see a baby anywhere, and I die about 15 times in just a few seconds.

Abruptly, a tiny, squirming baby pops into focus. A baby! My baby! And all is right with the world.

Wee one.

So that happened again this week. Minor panic attack. Recovery. Good times.

I usually hate it when people post their ultrasound images, because they never actually look like babies. They’re more like fuzzy photo negatives from a century-old arctic expedition. Yet here I am now, so enamored with these speckled pictures of a big, gorgeous baby only I can see.

Though I will admit Baby looks like a resident of Whoville right now. Let’s hope that’s not permanent.

And then my heart grew three sizes.

Since I am of “advanced maternal age,” my most recent ultrasound was done with a genetic specialist, and the whole process lasted more than an hour. The Husband stood by my side, and we high-fived every time we saw a new body part.

TECHNICIAN: Here is the spine …

ME: Spine! Ohmigod. I love spines!

TECHNICIAN: There are the baby’s feet …

HUSBAND: Hell yeah. Feet!

TECHNICIAN: These splotches here are the kidneys …

US: Woo! Kidneys!

The technician pushed a button that made the screen move with splotchy clouds of blue and red, which supposedly displayed the four chambers of the heart pumping blood.

TECHNICIAN: See the blood flowing here and here …

ME: It actually looks like there’s a storm front moving in.

TECHNICIAN: Huh. Yeah, it does. Well, here’s the polar vortex, and that right there is Atlanta.

Finally, the technician confirmed what I suspected all along. It’s a boy!

Here you go. This is the first and last time my child’s penis will ever be on the internet. I hope.

The technician added some helpful notations.

I’m still in a little bit of shock. It’s a boy!

A boy who will pee in my face when I change his diapers. A boy who will get poop on his testicles. A boy who will turn paper towel tubes into weapons. A boy who will stand up to use the potty. A boy who will grow up and fall in love with a girl or boy and sneak out of the house and bong a few Miller Lites and smash the Camaro … and I’m terrified. I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t know how to be a mother to a boy.

For the record, I don’t know how to be a mother to a girl either. And we don’t have a Camaro. I’m just scared overall, regardless of the baby’s sex.

Here’s how everything else is going this week:

Baby: The size of a bell pepper. He also has little ears and his own unique set of fingerprints.

Baby also enjoys being stuffed and baked for one hour at 350 degrees.

Me: Not the size of a bell pepper. But I’ve reached the point of pregnancy where strangers will approach me and rub my belly, as if I can grant them three wishes. (I can’t, unfortunately.)

Also my belly is lopsided. I think this is normal? Or maybe all those strangers have just been pushing too hard on one side.

The belly of the beast.

Weight: I’ve gained six pounds so far. I didn’t necessarily want this information — I’ve been trying to keep my focus away from numbers on the scale — but my doctor told me anyway.

Food: Cravings have mostly been of the difficult-to-obtain variety: Masala dosa. Kanom krok, tiny coconut pancakes from Thailand that are crispy and creamy, sweet and savory. And these spicy kimchi dumplings from a street vendor in Seoul.

Not just any dumplings, mind you. THESE.

Wonton display of longing.

GIVE THEM TO ME NOW.

Pregnancy Week 17: Sweet Dreams are Made of This

January 26, 2014

For the first time, someone asked if I was expecting, and it was both sweet and awkward.

LADY: (looking at my belly) Oh! When are you … I mean, are you?

ME: Yes! July 5.

LADY: Oh. You still have a long way to go. You look farther along.

ME: Um, no. But I had a big bowl of pho yesterday, and I think the sodium kinda made me explode.

It was the truth. I was fat-cheeked and plumper than usual, as if the baby somehow gobbled a few pizzas and a pan of brownies without me. (Things have since settled down considerably.)

Pho king belly.

Then the lady asked the weirdest thing.

LADY: Are you peeking?

ME: Am I what?

LADY: Well, if not already, are you planning to peek?

ME: I don’t … um, I’m not sure what you mean.

LADY: You know. Boy or girl. Are you peeking?

ME: Oh, right. No. My belly doesn’t work that way.

I was confused. I pictured some kind of porthole into my uterus. Or something like Barbie’s pregnant friend Midge, with the removable stomach and pop-out baby.

Damn Midge. She makes it look so easy.

LADY: I meant, are you going to find out the baby’s gender?

I considered telling her that gender is a socially constructed concept. We will actually be finding out the baby’s sex, which refers to the child’s anatomy … but then I realized WHEE! We will find out the baby’s sex this week. Wow, that sure happened fast!

So, to answer her question, yes. I will be peeking.

I have two doctor’s appointments coming up this week, and as always, I am nervous — especially since one of those visits is with a genetic specialist, and it is literally his job to tell me what’s wrong with my baby. But I’m also getting to the point where I’m more pumped than anxious. Woo, I’ll get to wave to my little one on a black-and-white screen full of static again. BEST DAY EVER!

NEW THIS WEEK

Baby: Is the size of an onion, according to my iPhone apps. (I am not sure what variety of onion, but I’m picturing a sweet, bulbous Vidalia.)

Baby’s sex: My guess is boy.

Baby’s first national park.

Me: I feel good. I have had some round ligament pain, but it’s more like a dull ache or a tiny tug, and I don’t mind it. It reminds me that something’s happening in there.

I’ve also been having a lot of strange, particularly vivid dreams lately. Nothing about giving birth to kittens or anything like that. Just colorful, trippy dreams. It’s like dropping acid every night but without all the anxiety that I’ll never be normal again.

Some of the most notable ones:

* On Cyber Monday, everybody who went online turned into a robot.

* My friend Tod From Dayton (not be confused with Tod from Palm Desert), had to give Steven Tyler lessons on how to be a rock star.

* Adonis moved in next door. Like, the actual Greek god. It made borrowing a cup of sugar super hot.

* My friend Eileen took up a low-carb diet that consisted of only quail eggs.

* Heather and I met two men with ridiculous facial hair and helped them carry mattresses. They turned out to be editors at Tin House.

* My friend Agam quit his job as manager of an MFA program and joined a Doobie Brothers cover band.

* I was drinking a beer. Just one very big, beautiful glass of dark beer. And then I took Cheryl Strayed to my favorite place in Hampi, India, a little restaurant full of lavender scarves and clove cigarettes, where we sat on pillows, shared a dosa and wrote lovely things.

* North Korea decided to attack the United States. Specifically, they attacked Rancho Mirage, CA. But then Stephen Graham Jones, a professor in my creative writing program, thwarted their plans by distracting them with a fake Beach Boys band — just a bunch of golfers in Tommy Bahama shirts. While they were singing “Good Vibrations,” Stephen Graham Jones slipped the North Korean soldiers some jelly doughnuts filled with lethal doses of sleeping pills. ‘Merica!

Days until a dirty martini: 161

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